Hello, I am very afraid of the first sexual intercourse. I do not know how I will be able to relax. I am not comfortable at all. I just have a mental block. I read that it hurts a lot, is that true? How is protection used? Is it possible for me to get pregnant after the first time? Thank you.

The first sexual intercourse is a big step in the relationship, but also in the life of every young person and that is why it is important to enter into it only when we feel ready. It should be a pleasant and beautiful experience for both partners that will connect you as a couple. If you are afraid, you are not comfortable and as you say, “you have a mental block”, maybe the right time has not yet come for you, and your partner should be able to accept it if he cares about you and your feelings. 

In addition, I see that you still have many questions regarding intercourse. It is quite important before engaging in intercourse to get acquainted with all the risks, protection options and talk openly about it with your partner. If you are embarrassed to talk to him about it, ask yourself if he is a person with whom you are completely relaxed and whom you trust – this is very important for the first, but also in every subsequent intercourse.

You can read more about the first sexual intercourse in this article: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/363-prvi-spolni-odnos-kako-se-pripremiti-i-sto-ocekivati.

As far as protection is concerned, the offer is very diverse, but for young partners it may be the simplest and most convenient to use a condom that also protects you from sexually transmitted diseases.

You can read more about condoms here: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/364-mitovi-i-cinjenice-o-kondomima. 

In addition, it would not be bad to visit a gynaecologist before or after intercourse, especially if you decide on another method of protection. The gynaecologist can also explain to you how each method of protection is used.

During the first sexual intercourse, you can get pregnant, and we wrote more about the misconceptions regarding the first intercourse here: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/353-zablude-i-istine-o-maloljetnickom-seksu.

In general, I would advise you to first consider everything written in the articles and find out about the risks associated with sexual intercourse and ways of protection as well as their use. It is important that you feel safe talking to your partner, especially if he is more experienced, and if necessary, visit a gynaecologist. Furthermore, it is important that you have a generally strong and open relationship with your boyfriend, that you trust him and that it is OK for you to tell him no, it means that you do not agree to intercourse because of him and the fear of him leaving you (Because “everybody else does it”), but because you want to do it with him. 

Therefore, your desire for having sexual intercourse is key. If you want to start having intercourse, a certain level of “nervousness” is normal, but if you feel a crippling fear or any strong unpleasant emotion, it may be better to wait with until the idea of having intercourse becomes more comfortable.

I am 19 years old and have a 14-month-old son. When I got pregnant, my boyfriend and I decided to live together but we did not get married. We have been living with his parents for a year and a half and everything would be fine if they did not interfere constantly, which is why we are arguing. I once wanted to leave but I do not know where to go and my relationship with my boyfriend is great as long as they are not close. I also worry because they interfere in our son’s upbringing, they constantly complain when I do something, they allow him everything and now he does not listen to anything anymore. Sometimes it is terribly difficult for me and I do not know how to take a stand, and I realize that this situation is not good for my son. What to do? How do I protect my son, without the situation being unbearable for me anymore? Please help.

Dear, I hear two things from your question; one is the need to be independent in your relationship and in the upbringing of your child. On the other hand, the help of your partner’s parents is welcome, both with the housing solution and with the help with the child. I suggest three very specific things. The first is to sit down with your partner and write down on a paper all the pros and cons of living with your parents, as well as on your own, without the parents. Put together in detail how much money you would need to live with your parents, how much to live independently, who would take care of your son, how much food, utilities, electricity would cost you. Also, make sure to plan for childcare when you live with the parents, i.e. when you start living independently that you and your partner can go out for coffee or a date with friends. Only then make a decision and plan when and under what conditions you will opt for living independently. 

Second, take the opportunity while living with your partner’s parents and while they look after your child, enrol in a course / evening school to gain additional knowledge and thus find easier employment that will speed up your ability to live independently. There you will also move among new people, have the opportunity to hear and learn something new and you will certainly feel more satisfied. 

Third, you should see what is the reason why your partner’s parents need to impose themselves so much. Do they think that you and your partner are too young to take care of your child, are they just worrying too much, or is it something else. Anyway, I suggest you to make a clear arrangement with them, over a cup of coffee and a pleasant conversation, and find common ground regarding what and how you want their help to look like. For example, you can arrange for you to be alone with your child in the morning, after breakfast for a certain period of time, and ask for them to respect that, and that after lunch, grandparents can play the child and take care of him. You use this time for yourself, your partner or for the additional education, I mentioned previously.

I need your advice because I am in a difficult phase. I have two children, a 2.5-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old son. I was 17 when I gave birth to a son and even though I was younger; it was easier for me then than it is now. I am alone with them all day, my husband works two shifts and sometimes he is not at home all day. I am quite attached to my son because I breastfeed him and he sometimes hangs on me for two hours, and if I put him down, he cries. My biggest problem is bathing. While I bathe or change him, I do not know what my daughter is doing if she is in another room and I am afraid she will get hurt. Sometimes I feel like I am just running after her, yelling. If I play a cartoon to her while I am breastfeeding or changing my son’s clothes, it can take a long time and I would not want her to watch television all day. Sometimes it is hard for me and I don’t have the will to do anything. How can I take care of them when they all have their needs, but there is only one of me, and I cannot do five tasks at once?

You face the challenges of parenting that are never easy, regardless of your age. You yourself notice that it was easier for you before, to take care of only one child.

Caring for two small children on the other hand can be really exhausting.

I think it would be good to plan for those situations that are proving difficult. If you know that you have to bathe or change your son, at the same time (and in the same room) the daughter can “bathe” her doll or help you by passing you the things you need. Sometimes even everyday difficult situations can turn into opportunities for playing and socializing. On the other hand, it seems to me that it would be good to include a husband when he is at home and not working. Maybe he could watch your son while you and your daughter have time for yourselves, or to allow you to have “5 minutes” for yourself, i.e. a time in which you do something for yourself, whether you are resting or are engaged in some activity that you enjoy.

Parents of young children often do not have time for themselves, and sometimes a little time in which you dedicate yourself to your interests will be enough to make you feel better.

I am 15 years old and my boyfriend is 30. We have been hiding for about 9 months and no one knows about us because of the law. He is good to me and we get along well. I am not sure if he thinks he has a future with me.

Since you did not mention you had sexual relations with your boyfriend, I will refer to the law first since you were in a relationship even before you turned 15 years old. In the Republic of Croatia, the age limit for consent to sexual intercourse is 15 years. Article 158 of the Criminal Code (Official Gazette, No. 125/11, 144/12, 56/15, 61/15, 101/17) stipulates that whoever has sexual intercourse, or a sexual act equated with it with a child under the age of fifteen or induces a child to have sexual intercourse or a sexual act equated with it with a third person or to perform a sexual act equated with sexual intercourse against itself, shall be punished by imprisonment for a term between one and ten years. Whoever commits a lewd act against a child under the age of fifteen or causes it to commit a lewd act with another person or commits a lewd act against itself, shall be punished by imprisonment for a term between six months and five years. There shall be no criminal offense referred to in paragraphs 1 and 2 of this Article if the age difference between persons who have sexual intercourse or a sexual act equated with it or a lewd act does not exceed three years. Therefore, until you turned 15 you were breaking the law, however that is no longer applicable. 

It is definitely good and positive that he is good to you and that you get along nicely. In general, serious and healthy relationships between two people have a lot of qualities and advantages, so you can consider whether the following characteristics apply to your relationship, because they can also mean that the relationship will last or have a future. Healthy relationships are characterized by trust between partners, respect, appreciation and acceptance of each other’s differences, partners in them sincerely express what they feel and think, communicate openly, and support each other. Regarding your question whether he thinks he has a future with you, unfortunately I cannot provide an answer. I suggest you encourage a conversation with him on the subject and tell him how you feel and what you would like and what you hope for. Since it is important that you feel safe in a relationship and that you can talk openly and honestly with your partner, then it is definitely in your best interest to talk about what interests you.

The other day my mother saw me with a boy who is Roma, he could not finish secondary school because he had problems and now he works at 17 and at 18 he will get a permanent job. My mother went crazy because I was with Roma and she has such prejudices about him and she did not even meet him. I have known my boyfriend for 3 years and we are in a relationship close to a year. The boyfriend is great and he loves me, respects me, and protects me and he is also my best friend, my mom does not even want to listen to me. She wants to take my cell phone and forbid me to go out and she said she would go to the welfare centre and tell them everything and I will have to go with her. I was wondering might they take my side in this argument? What can happen now? Please, give me your opinion. 

I see that you really care about your boyfriend and that it is important to you that your mother does not have a bad opinion of him. I also see that you find it important to have a good foundation in a relationship, and some of them are certainly respect, understanding, and trust.

The social welfare centre certainly cannot forbid you from seeing a boyfriend based on the fact that he has not finished school or that he is a Roma.

The best thing you can do is try to smooth things over with your mom. You say your mom only saw you with your boyfriend the other day, and you have been together for a year. Surely, no parent is comfortable finding out that their child has been hiding something from them, especially for so long, so it is possible that the mother is still trying to figure out what she thinks about the whole situation.

For starters, try to think of everything you want to tell your mom and arrange a time to talk to her when you are both calm. You can announce to your mother that you would like to talk to her calmly, without quarrels, and that you would like to share a lot with her. You can also write down exactly what you want to say so you do not forget because sometimes when we are very excited about a topic, we forget what we wanted to say. You can explain to your mother which foundations you consider important in the relationship (as you wrote nicely above) and thus show that you feel good, happy, and safe with him and give her a few examples of how he shows you that he respects and loves you. You can also explain to her why you hid the relationship from her because she will surely be hurt that you did not confide in her for so long.

In order for both of you to better state what you think and how you feel, it is important to remember some rules in communication: avoid accusations (“You always…” “You never…” etc.), and instead you can say how you feel when you hear some words or sentences (for example: “When you say something, I feel…” etc.), do not interrupt the other person when expressing how it feels and thinks, do not shout. It is important that you both express your feelings and come to a mutual agreement.