Hello, I am 16 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for half a year. At first, only my mother knew of this relationship, and then my boyfriend got into some trouble at home and I was forced to tell my father. My father does not mind me having a boyfriend, but he does not want my current boyfriend in that role. In the middle of October, we were out and I drank too much, so my friend called my parents and my boyfriend was there, too. My parents were out of their minds and forbade us any further contact, they even got my homeroom teacher involved and asked her for help to look after me at school. We did not hear from each other for two weeks and decided to continue our relationship in secret. I have a great relationship with his parents, he is getting better because he was problematic, but we want to tell my parents even though we do not know how. I know that you think that I am too young, and that the relationship may not last, but I would like it to be completely normal, at least while it lasts. By the way, my father thinks I deserve better and more, and I just want to tell them that at 16, I am happy enough with my boyfriend.

From your question, I can see that you care about your relationship with your boyfriend, but also about your relationship with your parents. Seeking expert advice shows that both relationships are important to you and that you are willing to make an effort to improve them. I will try to help you invest your efforts in a way that will be truly beneficial and help you to be more satisfied with different aspects of your life. 

I would like to reassure you of your concern that I will think you are too young. I find that a person your age is quite expected to fall in love and have a boyfriend. You are currently in a period we call adolescence and in which you move from childhood to adulthood. It is important that your parents support you on your journey, that they take care of you, help you with their knowledge and experience, but above all that they respect your needs and respect your feelings. Feelings are always equally valid, no matter how old you are. 

Since these are two different relationships, I will first look at the relationship with the boyfriend. You say that the boy “got into some problems at home”, that he is “improving because he was problematic”, which shows that you are aware that some of his behaviours are unacceptable. You say that you wish your relationship were “normal”, from which I hear that you would like something in your relationship to change (or at least that how other people will perceive it changes). The expectation that a partner will change is something that often occurs in love relationships. We enter into partnerships because we like something about a person, and what we do not like we hope will change. It is good to keep in mind that even though changes do happen, it is best not to count on them. Because everyone can only change themselves, not other people. I encourage you to think and try to answer the following questions: Am I happy with the relationship I currently have with my boyfriend? Would I want to stay in a relationship if he did not change? Do I want him to accept me as I am, or does he expect me to change? Would I like to be in a relationship that my parents oppose? In addition, I would encourage you to think about your boyfriend’s behaviours that you call “problematic”: Does it affect me and in what way? Has he hurt me with such behaviours so far? If so, how did I feel? 

I think that the answers to these questions will help you better understand your relationship with your boyfriend, but that it will also prepare you for a conversation with your parents. 

I guess your parents are worried and their actions are motivated by a desire to help you make decisions that will be best for you. However, bans are usually not the answer. I believe your parents care about you, that they want to protect you and take care of you. I encourage you to talk to them and discover together what are more appropriate and better ways in which they can show parental care. Try to address them in a form that tells them what your wants and needs are and how important it is for you if they would respect them. If you are afraid to start a conversation, you can turn to a parent you have better communication with (maybe that would be your mother) so then you can talk to your father together. Alternatively, you can all go together to a school psychologist who will help you talk in a way that you can hear each other better and reach an agreement with which both parties will be calmer and more satisfied. You can also contact our counselling centre together. I believe you will be able to find a common language and resolve the current conflict in a constructive way. Good luck!

I have a very difficult and tense situation. I have been with my boyfriend for a long time and we love each other. I have never had sexual intercourse and my first time will be with him in a month, but I have a very difficult situation. When I was 14, I masturbated with my finger and now I do not know if I broke the hymen and if he will figure out that I am not a virgin, I am very afraid of all that, I did not feel any pain, but I am afraid of his reaction because my future depends on that. Thank you in advance.

Exploring your own body, including masturbating, is a natural part of developing sexuality and it is a part you really should not be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Our society often approaches the topic of sexuality in a way that can cause shame or guilt, but the healthy development of one’s own identity includes, among other things, an awareness of one’s own sexuality. I am sure that such topics are not foreign to your boyfriend, with whom you plan to have sexual intercourse. You state that you have been together for a long time and love each other, so it would be good if you could talk openly about topics related to sexuality. Have you discussed forms of protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases? This is an extremely important topic before sexual intercourse. I would definitely advise you to talk about what worries or scares you, how much you think that awareness of your own body and sexuality is important for mutual satisfaction, what sexual intercourse can mean for the development of your relationship, etc. It may be initially embarrassing to start a conversation on this topic, but the conversation is important and after you start talking openly, the initial shame will subside.

I am 18 years old and I want to leave home. My parents do not allow me to leave and they threaten me with a lawsuit, they threaten to take my ID, my passport, that they will cancel my health insurance and all payments. I just want to get away from home, and I have a place to go. I literally do not need anything from them, no money or support, literally nothing, I just want to leave. May I leave? What are my rights? If I leave, can they sue me or a man I plan to move in with? Can they do something against us in a legal sense?

The desire and need for greater independence and separation from parents is a natural part of growing up and is understandable at your age. Since you have turned 18, you are of legal age in the eyes of the law with all the rights and obligations that it carries. Therefore, if you want to move out, your parents cannot stop you. On the other hand, leaving parents is a big thing in the life of every young person as well as that person’s parents. When making such decisions, it is important to think carefully about all the responsibilities that independent living brings and whether we can respond to them. At the same time, we should take into account that the demands that life puts before us are not only of a financial and material nature. It is good to have the help and support of people who are important to us – friends, partners, but also parents. From your question I read how the reaction of your parents upsets you which I can certainly understand. Still, it seems to me that such reaction is the result of great concern for you. You did not mention whether you finished school, are you employed, did they meet the person you are planning to move in with? Maybe the answers to these, and I believe many other questions, would ease the situation for them. I believe that your relationship with parents is important to you as well, and I would advise you to talk openly. This means that both parties express their wishes, needs, and concerns, but also listen to others. Open conversation shows maturity, often eases tense life situations and strengthens the relationship between people. If you think that you need support in this, we would be glad if you would contact our counselling centre if you are from Zagreb. If you are from another part of Croatia, we can communicate in another way or I can recommend you an expert who is closer to where you live.

Hello, I am very afraid of the first sexual intercourse. I do not know how I will be able to relax. I am not comfortable at all. I just have a mental block. I read that it hurts a lot, is that true? How is protection used? Is it possible for me to get pregnant after the first time? Thank you.

The first sexual intercourse is a big step in the relationship, but also in the life of every young person and that is why it is important to enter into it only when we feel ready. It should be a pleasant and beautiful experience for both partners that will connect you as a couple. If you are afraid, you are not comfortable and as you say, “you have a mental block”, maybe the right time has not yet come for you, and your partner should be able to accept it if he cares about you and your feelings. 

In addition, I see that you still have many questions regarding intercourse. It is quite important before engaging in intercourse to get acquainted with all the risks, protection options and talk openly about it with your partner. If you are embarrassed to talk to him about it, ask yourself if he is a person with whom you are completely relaxed and whom you trust – this is very important for the first, but also in every subsequent intercourse.

You can read more about the first sexual intercourse in this article: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/363-prvi-spolni-odnos-kako-se-pripremiti-i-sto-ocekivati.

As far as protection is concerned, the offer is very diverse, but for young partners it may be the simplest and most convenient to use a condom that also protects you from sexually transmitted diseases.

You can read more about condoms here: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/364-mitovi-i-cinjenice-o-kondomima. 

In addition, it would not be bad to visit a gynaecologist before or after intercourse, especially if you decide on another method of protection. The gynaecologist can also explain to you how each method of protection is used.

During the first sexual intercourse, you can get pregnant, and we wrote more about the misconceptions regarding the first intercourse here: https://maloljetni-roditelji.net/info-kutak/353-zablude-i-istine-o-maloljetnickom-seksu.

In general, I would advise you to first consider everything written in the articles and find out about the risks associated with sexual intercourse and ways of protection as well as their use. It is important that you feel safe talking to your partner, especially if he is more experienced, and if necessary, visit a gynaecologist. Furthermore, it is important that you have a generally strong and open relationship with your boyfriend, that you trust him and that it is OK for you to tell him no, it means that you do not agree to intercourse because of him and the fear of him leaving you (Because “everybody else does it”), but because you want to do it with him. 

Therefore, your desire for having sexual intercourse is key. If you want to start having intercourse, a certain level of “nervousness” is normal, but if you feel a crippling fear or any strong unpleasant emotion, it may be better to wait with until the idea of having intercourse becomes more comfortable.

I am 19 years old and have a 14-month-old son. When I got pregnant, my boyfriend and I decided to live together but we did not get married. We have been living with his parents for a year and a half and everything would be fine if they did not interfere constantly, which is why we are arguing. I once wanted to leave but I do not know where to go and my relationship with my boyfriend is great as long as they are not close. I also worry because they interfere in our son’s upbringing, they constantly complain when I do something, they allow him everything and now he does not listen to anything anymore. Sometimes it is terribly difficult for me and I do not know how to take a stand, and I realize that this situation is not good for my son. What to do? How do I protect my son, without the situation being unbearable for me anymore? Please help.

Dear, I hear two things from your question; one is the need to be independent in your relationship and in the upbringing of your child. On the other hand, the help of your partner’s parents is welcome, both with the housing solution and with the help with the child. I suggest three very specific things. The first is to sit down with your partner and write down on a paper all the pros and cons of living with your parents, as well as on your own, without the parents. Put together in detail how much money you would need to live with your parents, how much to live independently, who would take care of your son, how much food, utilities, electricity would cost you. Also, make sure to plan for childcare when you live with the parents, i.e. when you start living independently that you and your partner can go out for coffee or a date with friends. Only then make a decision and plan when and under what conditions you will opt for living independently. 

Second, take the opportunity while living with your partner’s parents and while they look after your child, enrol in a course / evening school to gain additional knowledge and thus find easier employment that will speed up your ability to live independently. There you will also move among new people, have the opportunity to hear and learn something new and you will certainly feel more satisfied. 

Third, you should see what is the reason why your partner’s parents need to impose themselves so much. Do they think that you and your partner are too young to take care of your child, are they just worrying too much, or is it something else. Anyway, I suggest you to make a clear arrangement with them, over a cup of coffee and a pleasant conversation, and find common ground regarding what and how you want their help to look like. For example, you can arrange for you to be alone with your child in the morning, after breakfast for a certain period of time, and ask for them to respect that, and that after lunch, grandparents can play the child and take care of him. You use this time for yourself, your partner or for the additional education, I mentioned previously.

I need your advice because I am in a difficult phase. I have two children, a 2.5-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old son. I was 17 when I gave birth to a son and even though I was younger; it was easier for me then than it is now. I am alone with them all day, my husband works two shifts and sometimes he is not at home all day. I am quite attached to my son because I breastfeed him and he sometimes hangs on me for two hours, and if I put him down, he cries. My biggest problem is bathing. While I bathe or change him, I do not know what my daughter is doing if she is in another room and I am afraid she will get hurt. Sometimes I feel like I am just running after her, yelling. If I play a cartoon to her while I am breastfeeding or changing my son’s clothes, it can take a long time and I would not want her to watch television all day. Sometimes it is hard for me and I don’t have the will to do anything. How can I take care of them when they all have their needs, but there is only one of me, and I cannot do five tasks at once?

You face the challenges of parenting that are never easy, regardless of your age. You yourself notice that it was easier for you before, to take care of only one child.

Caring for two small children on the other hand can be really exhausting.

I think it would be good to plan for those situations that are proving difficult. If you know that you have to bathe or change your son, at the same time (and in the same room) the daughter can “bathe” her doll or help you by passing you the things you need. Sometimes even everyday difficult situations can turn into opportunities for playing and socializing. On the other hand, it seems to me that it would be good to include a husband when he is at home and not working. Maybe he could watch your son while you and your daughter have time for yourselves, or to allow you to have “5 minutes” for yourself, i.e. a time in which you do something for yourself, whether you are resting or are engaged in some activity that you enjoy.

Parents of young children often do not have time for themselves, and sometimes a little time in which you dedicate yourself to your interests will be enough to make you feel better.